Unknown

So many things about this post are unknown.  First and foremost being, I have no idea what I want to write about.  I just want to write.
We'll just start with a quick update on Olivia, the trickster.  Oh how I love my little miracle.  But she's going to kill me.  Ok, the stress is going to kill me.  Whether it's her getting into everything she shouldn't or her health is a mystery but I'm going to die.  Olivia is your typical toddler.  Climbing onto everything, taking whatever she wants, and yelling "MINE!" every other second.  But, as she does this you can see she's not your typical toddler.  Olivia is getting more and more winded as time goes on.  She is not slowing down but her blue little lips, gray feet, and heavy breathing tell me she should.  We're not positive what's going on at this point but her sats are lower than they should be, sitting at an average of 77.  Ideally they should be over 80.  So, our easy peasy appointment that was supposed to be set for March (chest xray and EKG) will be turning into a sedated echo and possible cath in January.  Needless to say, this change has caused some stress for this momma.
Switching gears:
Once the days began to grow shorter I began to notice and increase in my moments of anxiety.  With the time change in November it was like a switch was flipped and more moments were spent in anxiety than not.  At the time I had no reason for it.  We hadn't received Olivia's new pulse ox yet and I was in the dark on her lower sats.  I chalked it up to the darkness (and I do still believe that plays a roll.)
As time as gone on and we've made our way deeper into winter the anxiety has been overwhelming at times.  There is still no known reason.  I had hoped that the holidays would distract from that feeling of impending doom that has lodged itself in my gut.  If anything, the holidays just made it worse.
I've tried to keep myself busy.  Doing has saved me in the past.  Cleaning house, taking care of the girls, playing in the snow, shoveling the snow (which I count as exercise as well.)  But none of it helps.  Well, maybe for a bit but then it's night time and I sit idly, having nothing left to do and that horrid feeling festers.  A few things help.  Deep breaths.  Being held by Andrew.  Talking to Andrew.  Laughing with Andrew.
Then this last week Andrew, my cure, had to work late every night and it all built up.  Each night was worse than the previous and though he tried to help I had already spent too much time in my own head and was feeling lost, scared, and so very alone.
Yesterday was the worst day by far.  The anxiety began much earlier than it normally did.  Nothing Andrew did or said helped.  Our drive to look at Christmas lights with the girls was cut short because the anxiety was so bad that I wasn't sure if I was going to throw up or have a full blown panic attack.  Neither of which I wanted to do in front of the girls.  And, of course, because the anxiety was affecting our holiday memory making that added to the anxiety.  In my mind, I was the worst mother in the world because of this anxiety.  It was making me impatient with the girls, it was making me spend too much time cleaning and less with them, it was making every moment that I was supposed to be enjoying stress-filled and close to miserable.
When we got home and the girls were tucked away in bed Andrew gave me a blessing.  I won't say what he said but for the first time in weeks I began to feel that tightness in my chest loosen.  Andrew held me the rest of the night and though I did wake up with some remaining anxiety I felt better than I had in a while.
A small part of the blessing I received said that I would feel my Savior's love.  I never doubt His love for me but there are times, like the past few weeks, where it has been hard to feel it.  There are times I feel so incredibly alone.  Especially in this heart journey.  I have my fellow heart mom's that often understand but there are still those dark moments where it's hard to claw your way out of you own head and worries.  It's so easy to get lost in it all and feel so alone and scared.  But then you have a moment.  However large or small.  However seemingly simple.  Today I had my moment.
The girls were being particularly difficult today.  The anxiety was significantly less since Andrew had given me a blessing but with the fighting and screaming that the girls were enjoying I could feel the stress rising.  In an act of cooling off I poked my head out the door to check the mail and found the box overflowing.  Our weekly adds had come early and I didn't think much of it until I grabbed the stash.  It was much thicker than it should've been for just the weekly adds and usual junk mail.  I found a manila envelope addressed to Olivia wedged between the adds and a credit card application.  The girls joined me as I opened it and found an assortment of cards inside.  With them was a note from a Jr High LDS seminary class explaining that HopeKids had given them Olivia's name and they wanted to send us a special Christmas greeting.  There were about 20 cards from kids around the age of 14.  As we went through each card and looked at the pictures and read their messages I was incredibly touched.  More than one of these students very simply wrote "remember, you are loved."
I don't believe in coincidences.  Yes, these notes were to Olivia from these students.  But the message was to me from my Father in Heaven.  These simple letters from strangers were what I needed to feel the love I know He has for me.  For the girls these cards were fun and exciting.  For me, they are a sacred testament that I am not alone.  For me, they are a light during this time of confusion and frustration as my mind fights against my happiness.  Tonight, for the first time in a long time I feel completely free of the unexplained anxiety.  Those students will never fully know or understand what they have done for me but I will forever be grateful to them and the inspiration that led them, their teachers, and anyone else involved.
As I get ready to celebrate Christmas with my family, free of those feeling that were weighing me down, I pray for you all that you may have your own Christmas miracle.  Whether it be a baby home from the hospital or making it through Christmas morning without ripping your hair out.  Merry Christmas!