My Christmas tree and decor has been boxed up, the decadent cookies and desserts are all but gone, and life is getting back to normal once more. Where my Christmas tree once stood now sits a giant pile of laundry waiting to be folded and the fireplace looks bare without stockings hung in a neat little row. It was a spectacular end to a spectacular year. With Christmas come and gone I feel that sense of accomplishment that comes with another year done.
We created so many wonderful memories. Sleigh rides and elk at Hardware Ranch, Olivia's first Valentines, St Patrick's Day, and Easter, trips to the Zoo, trips to the park, running through the sprinklers, Olivia's 1st birthday, dandelion crowns, bubbles, sidewalk chalk, a trip to Colorado, a trip to snowbird, a trip to Yellowstone/Island Park, playing in the fall leaves, a wedding, a Harvest Festival, Halloween parties, trick-or-treating, Thanksgiving turkey, Christmas lights, hot cocoa, Christmas jammies. It was a year filled with so many normal things that the spatter of not normal should be overshadowed. For my girls, I hope it is. I hope that all the glorious moments we spent together are what last in their minds.
If I told you it was all sunshine and unicorns, you'd know I was lying. Just a week ago I wrote about how it wasn't. The anxiety has ebbed a great deal. Though I still have fits of butterflies and nausea they don't spoil play time or housework. Here's me looking on the bright side; maybe it's what I need to lose that last five pounds to reach my goal weight.
Anyways! As many of us do, at the end of each year I tend to reflect. On the amazing memories, yes, but so much more. I am a firm believer that this life is meant to teach us. The good events and the bad are laced with amazing lessons. I pray regularly for help in becoming the person I need to be. How lucky I am that those prayers are answered on a regular basis. The mode of learning how to be that person isn't always easy. In fact it rarely is. But I am learning slowly.
2012, that hardest year of my life, was filled with lessons on trusting in my Savior and acceptance of what I cannot change. 2013, a much calmer year, has been filled with thousands of different lessons.
Forgiveness being number one.
When Olivia was first diagnosed one of the first things the doctors said was, "There was nothing you did that caused this." But anyone who knows me well will tell you I am excruciatingly hard on myself. My mind immediately jumped to blaming myself for Olivia's heart. The second hand smoke I inhaled in Vegas casinos when I was 10 weeks pregnant, the bubble baths that might have been too hot, the diet of only cheerios during morning sickness, and the list of things I did "wrong" could go on and on. With every set-back Olivia faced the blame and guilt grew stronger. I hid it well. No one, not even Andrew knew how badly I blamed myself. I began the long process of forgiveness this past spring and it has been a long process. Slowly, I began to forgive myself and let go of the "mistakes" I made during the pregnancy with Olivia. Though I will always have my moments of doubt and blame from time to time I have come to a point where I no longer constantly wonder what I could have done differently.
Not all of my anger has been centered on myself. Funnily enough, the anger I felt toward someone else was my fault to a certain point. Heart defect, not my fault. The grudge I kept for far too long, definitely my fault.
With a more calm year I have been able to move my focus from one trial to another that I had put on a back burner. It's not heart related but I still feel it is important to share. In this particular trial I was hurt more than I ever expected to be hurt by any one person. Betrayed and broken hearted I felt hatred that I had never felt before. Others who were affected by this seemed to forgive so easily and I was stuck in this dark pit. Just as I thought I was starting to let go, I would have nightmares about it and wake up more angry than before. The only thing that saved me from being swallowed up by that dark cloud of hate was my perfect little baby with half a heart. All the difficulties that came with her and her conquest of them showed me the perfect light that I knew I would be able to obtain someday. Every time I thought I had forgot a little of the anger something would happen (often something ridiculous that shouldn't have affected me) and it would flare up again. It was always the same, one step forward, twenty steps back. It was a battle I couldn't win on my own. This spring I began praying for that help I so needed to forgive. I began realizing I didn't want to forgive. From where I was sitting, they hadn't changed enough to deserve forgiveness. So I tried something I had been told many times in church. Rather than praying to forgive them, I prayed for them. Their happiness, for them to be loved, for them to receive all the blessings they needed. The best part of it all, wasn't that I immediately started forgiving them, but after I began praying for them I noticed a change in them. It was probably a change that had been there all along but I had been to angry to notice. Small things at first (probably why I didn't notice) and gradually they grew. Really, the change was in me. My eyes were opened to the good things happening and closed to the bad memories. Once I saw that there was a change in this person the anger began melting away. For the first time in two years I am can throw out the saying "I love them but I don't like them." For this person, I'm so sorry it took me so long. It's been a horrible battle with myself. I love you and I will stand by my promise forever. I will never give up on you so don't give up on yourself.
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