Anger

I'm trying to get a handle on things but 2014 just isn't starting out like I'd hoped.  Ok, let's be honest.  I wasn't that hopeful for 2014.  I was scared to death thinking of a new year and what it would hold.  I'm finding that the future no longer excites me.  Not that I spend all day everyday all doomy and gloomy.  I've become more of a "live in the moment" person rather than a "plan for the future" person.  Honestly, I can't think about the future because that future might possibly contain an enormous amount of pain.
With Olivia's latest health issue being "possible heart failure" I've taken a step back on my road to recovery.
I've spoken to several heart mother's about the mourning process we go through.  True, we're not all mourning the actual loss of our child.  Instead we mourn the health that our children don't have.  We mourn the pokies they endure, the illnesses they're more prone to suffer, the exhaustion their incomplete little heart causes them.
Now, I don't know all the stages of grief off the top of my head but I've heard plenty about the angry stage.  And that seems to be the one I get stuck on.  With each new set-back in Olivia's health I seem to go through my own little mourning process.  I do my denial, crying, and so on.  But every time, without fail I get stuck on the anger.  It gets a little ridiculous to the point where I find myself being angry and children who are healthy or families who's biggest challenge seems to be getting on a good nap schedule.  And then I get mad at myself for being mad for such ridiculous reasons.  It's a viscous cycle.
So, I am currently in my angry stage.  I still can't believe that heart failure is even something that should cross my mind with every cough or blue tinged finger.  I sit there, watching Olivia who looks completely healthy.  She acts totally fine while she colors, fights with big sister, or makes faces at me.  She is perfectly happy and content and I sit here fuming that my seemingly healthy baby may in fact be sick inside.
I get angry that so much of my future depends on the next doctors appointment.  I get angry that while others are talking about the new exciting things in there lives the only thing I can offer to a conversation is heart related.  I get angry that so often the answer to "How are your girls?" is only partially positive.  I get angry that when I answer that question honestly I'm met with sympathetic looks.
I know.  I know.  This is all anger and grumpiness.  But don't worry about me.  I always come around to that "acceptance" part of the grieving process.  It may take a while and if we receive bad news on Tuesday after Olivia's cath it will take even longer but I will get there.
Just don't tell me to not worry or to stay positive.  That just makes me more angry.  Just be patient with me and, even if you don't understand, accept me in my anger.