Any of you other heart mom's suffer from this? I guess it could be PTSD but there are others who suffer from PTSD who have gone through a lot worse so I like to call it seasonal anxiety. Not sure what I'm talking about? Well here it is.
January 20, 2012 we got the news that Olivia had a heart defect. January of this year I realized I was having anxiety for no apparent reason. Olivia was doing really well. We had made it through two open heart surgeries, one heart cath, multiple NJ tube pulls (the girl has quick fingers) and I was finally getting ahold of life again. As the 20th got closer and closer I got more and more anxious and then one day I finally figured out what was going on.
The anxiety continued on through February 2 (the day Olivia was diagnosed with HLHS) and I ended up pretty much shutting down until spring time. Not horribly so. I showered, took care of my girls, etc. But after my shower I was right back in pajamas. My house was incredibly cluttered (I pride myself on not being a dirty person, just cluttery from time to time.)
Once the sun started shining again, so did I! Cheesy, I know. I finally got myself together around April. I started losing some of the pregnancy/hospital food weight, taking better care of myself all 'round, and being a more active mother. This lasted for a couple months but the end of May came and the anxiety came back. Olivia's birth, Olivia's first OHS, our first 2.5 week hospital stay. All happened at the end of May/beginning of June. Luckily, this time I knew what was going on and instead of shutting down I fought back with a vengeance. I threw a huge party for Liv's birthday, worked out harder than before, made a life planning binder, and overall kicked butt.
Now, it's that time again. 10-11-12 The date of Olivia's Glenn. The weather is getting cooler, the leaves are changing and what is my absolutely favorite time of year is now laced with anxiety. I'm not shutting down. I am once again throwing myself into everything I love about this time of year. I am the matron of honor in a wedding this weekend, Ella (my oldest) will get an adorable Minnie Mouse birthday party in two weeks, I will be hosting a Halloween party, and I am actively planning a Autumn bucket list.
I am one of the lucky heart moms who have never heard the words "reduced heart function" "not make it through the night" or "code blue" Because of this, doing is enough to save me from shutting down. Until I need to be medicated (hopefully never) I will throw myself into life when the seasonal anxiety rears it's ugly head. For me, it works. Doing is what saves me.
